91 Days Weed Free

Hello my brothers, sisters, and kin of the r/leaves community,

Today I have been weed-free for 91 days and wanted to share a bit about what this transition has been like. The reasons are to both help some of you along and also as a form of self-expression, I guess.

Of the first two months, all I can say is that it sucked. If you have recently quit and feel awful in any way - it's the weed. I felt extraordinary physical fatigue. I thought my brain was broken. I could not think or concentrate. I tried meditating, my mind was soup. Basically terrible on all accounts.

Granted, there were a few days here and there when the sky was beautiful, the trees were rustling and reminding me that life is good, and I even had the occasional moment of happiness; you know, the kind of happiness where you're just happy to be alive. Because life is the reward. And it's suddenly obvious.

But those days would come and go. They'd be buried beneath a hurricane of recurring symptoms that came back with a vengeance. Just as bad as it had ever been. It felt like it would never end. I didn't know what to do, and started journaling about how I was feeling each day – not thinking that it would help, but as a record.

Then, one day, I realized I felt pretty good. Not perfect, but a lot better. I went back to the journal. Only two weeks prior I had written about how life was essentially over for me. I was broken. I had been walking an endless journey of pain and misery and sleepless nights and accepting that being alive was just going to suck from now on. Those days felt so distant to me as I read back. It was like another life. But, the calendar showed 14 days.

Keep going.

The thing that is the most incredible to me about this time is the extraordinary amount that has changed in my life. I don't know what it looks like on the outside – and I'm sure it's not much – but the transformation that has happened inside of me is bringing me to tears as I write this. I'm not perfect, and neither are you. I spent 20 years hiding from a pain deep inside of me. I thought I was 'cerebral.' I was lonely. And it hurt real bad.

I have been sober now for three months. I am still aware of a certain cognitive fatigue that I carry. I think that will improve, as time has shown – slowly. But, despite this fatigue, I can think again. I'm organized. I'm creating. I’m productive as fuck. I write for hours and hours a day and teach and express myself through work and a slowly growing social network. I have been pursuing a new career in a field that I feel my talents are suited to. I have a family that I love, and we have created a different structure for our life together that works better for all of us.

I set out on a thirty-day tolerance break. But when I quit, I felt so fucked up, I knew what I had to do. And for the first time in my life I feel like I am becoming the man I have always wanted to be: someone of temperance, repose, kindness, love and putting others first. I have a lot of work to do, but removing the biggest thorn has been a miracle; it makes the next steps seem doable as I learn to compassionately understand my struggles.

One tip for those of you who are having a tough time: I found that connections with others helped to alleviate the pain of the withdrawals. I’ve occasionally been something of a loner, and maybe some of you are too. If so, make an effort. Rejection sucks – and I've had my fair share of that recently – but if you are vulnerable with the people around you, you will have more love in your life and that shit heals you.

If you're struggling, you are not alone. Keep marching forward. And one day, you're going to feel pretty fucking good.


Originally posted in r/leaves 25 November 2021