https://manmeetskeyboard.com manmeetskeyboard Fri, 08 Jul 2022 12:22:13 +0000 https://manmeetskeyboard.com en https://manmeetskeyboard.com/Home-Image-Scroll Thu, 23 Jun 2022 12:22:04 +0000 manmeetskeyboard https://manmeetskeyboard.com/Home-Image-Scroll Hello.My name is James Blackwell.You have discovered my secret website.Try not to snoop around too much. https://manmeetskeyboard.com/300_days_weed_free Fri, 08 Jul 2022 08:48:31 +0000 manmeetskeyboard https://manmeetskeyboard.com/300_days_weed_free 300 Days Weed-Free Hello members of the r/leaves community. With this letter, I want to share some notes from my journal since choosing to abstain from weed just over one year ago. I’ve found great encouragement in some of your stories and only hope that this may help at least one of you along if you’re in a tough spot. Following a little backstory, the bulk of this letter is a timeline of the withdrawals I experienced as a long-time user. I know many of you are concerned with what you’re going through and want to assure you that it does get better. Along with an account of the physical withdrawals, I’ve also included some of the other psychological and lifestyle changes I was going through at the time. I hope you’ll bear with me as I air some of this shit out. - Some Backstory I abused drugs for 20 years, from the age of 16 to 36. Reefer, cigarettes, caffeine, pills, booze, booze and more booze have all been a part of my escapist repertoire at one time or another (that, and all the pornography, masturbation, sex, food and digital entertainment, of course). About 14 years ago I started letting go of these vices one by one. Ironically, the first thing I quit was weed. I was so fucking paranoid that I’d react to shit I was ‘seeing’ out of the corner of my eye (like, ‘hit the deck!’ paranoid) which made it pretty easy to stop. Sometime after that I dropped cigarettes, and a few years later, alcohol. I wasn’t exactly sober during this time, but I was dry and I wasn’t smoking. However, I held onto the possibility of one day getting back into the reefer. It seemed liked something to look forward to after escaping the death-grip of alcoholism. Eventually, I did find my way back; And at first, I was loving it. But before I knew it another handful of years had flown by while I got stoned just about every night. Along with the burnout came feeling like hammered dog shit on the regular and acting like a real asshole to the people close to me. - Wanting to ... Not Feel Like Shit Anymore Before we get any deeper into this, I want to acknowledge that this past year was not an isolated incident. I struggled with excessive drug use for a long time. Nearly all of that time I desperately tried to control those addictions. I’d manage breaks now and again, but would, without fail, slip right back into old patterns following that first hit. I journaled, logged, counted days, and just about every other trick I could think of to learn moderation. It never worked. I mention this as I see many posting here about feelings of regret after a relapse. And I get it. That shit sucks. But I think most will agree that it’s a necessary part of recovery. It seems we need to feel like shit so many times before we finally get it: feeling like shit feels like shit. All I can say is to be kind to yourself and hop back on the saddle. What motivated me to finally quit was my wife and I deciding to separate. Preoccupied with my own pain, I never really thought about what it was like to be with me. I began to truly examine how I was living and how that affected the people around me. I felt ashamed of what I saw and wanted to change. But, even after feeling that shame, I still wasn’t ready to quit. Giving up something you’ve relied on for so long is really, really fucking hard. And at that time in my life, I was so downtrodden that getting high felt like the best thing I had going for me. I didn’t want to let go. However, I could commit to the idea of lowering my tolerance, so that’s what I set out to do. The plan was to taper down until I felt comfortable taking a 30-day break. - Withdrawals Timeline Disclaimer What follows is a general timeline of the withdrawal symptoms I took note of in my journals. However, it’s important to recognize that life is complicated and everything effects everything. As such, it’s impossible to say what role, exactly, weed played in what happened over the next fifteen months. Emotionally, my wife and I had been having a tough time for a few years. We have two young children and decided to remain living together (while separated) for a year after our second son was born. It was a stressful time. And figuring out how to move forward together was very difficult for the both of us. Chemically, I continued to drink tea and eat chocolate every day. Stimulants have a known history of completely fucking me up mentally and emotionally. As I got further from weed, some of the lingering withdrawals were certainly contributed to by leaning into that vice. Something else relevant from an emotional standpoint was that I had decided to practice celibacy a month before beginning my taper from weed. A part of that decision was due to the recognition that I had used sexual gratification, at times, as a way to avoid sitting with my anxieties and feelings of loneliness. - Post Acute Withdrawal Symptoms (PAWS) Now, I’m no a clinical expert, but there seem to be two generally recognized phases of physical withdrawal after long-term drug use: the acute withdrawal symptoms (for example, sweating through the sheets and headaches) and what’s referred to as the post acute withdrawal symptoms, or PAWS for short. PAWS are scary as hell. Depending on your history and brain chemistry, they can last anywhere from months to years. They may also come and go in waves as your brain balances out. So, you’ll have months of steady progress and then one day feel just as bad as you ever did. It is fucking demoralizing. I mention this in case the terms PAWS is new to some of you (I first read about them after tapering off a massive daily caffeine habit and going into a seven-month depression) and also to acknowledge that beyond the acute phase, the withdrawals were all kind of happening, in and out, all the time. I’ve simply organized the following in a logical way based on reading back through my notes. - Month One Taper: Alternating Days My first plan of attack was to take every other day off from getting stoned. It seemed like it would be easy. I was wrong. It was brutal. » (get a better symbol) I became extremely depressed and remained that way for several months, without respite » I felt disoriented and disassociated from the external world – this was pretty damn scary and lasted about a month » I’d wake up dizzy and feeling sick with extraordinary physical fatigue during the days » Night sweats would come and go throughout the tapering period (about 90 days in total) » Bitching headaches (good god, the bitching headaches) that would last for three or four days, ramping up in intensity at night, and making sleep nearly impossible » Ringing in the ears, seeing spots of color and other visual disturbances » Wild swings in libido: one day I’d want to hump a brick wall, then go for days or weeks with zero sex drive » When I did sleep, I’d have these anxious, vivid relapse dreams about getting all fucked up, drunk and having sex with god knows who In other words, real good times. I think this journal entry sums up that first month well: ‘I fucking hate this.’ - Month Two Taper: Back to Getting Stoned Every Day Fed up with the misery of the past month, I decided to change tack and started getting high every day again; This time, weighing my edibles and slowly tapering over the course of the next two months. As the dosage decreased, my chronic social anxiety began to lift. And even though I felt like shit, I could look people in the eyes and talk to them again, which was nice. I even made a few journal entries about seeing someone and feeling a lot better afterward. While the taper made the withdrawal much more manageable in terms of intensity, the symptoms were nearly identical: intense lethargy, whacked-out, disconnected, dizzy, ill, libido swings, anxious, irritable, as well as the occasional headache. However, there was some good news. My dreams became much less stressful and I actually started to enjoy the fact that I was having them. It had been years since I’d dreamt. I even had a few moments where my brain kind of seemed to work. - Month Three Taper: ‘So, There’s A Reason I Get High All the Time?’ At this point, with a low dose of THC and the withdrawals not being so physically debilitating, I began to recognize that, yes, my college girlfriend was right: there were underlying issues to my drug and alcohol abuse. I can honestly say that at 36 year old, I did not get that before. I began to feel very lonely. I was tired, overwhelmed, stressed, anxious, and desperately craving connection. I needed something to look forward to and was feeling very sad and depressed. The better days were just kind of ‘blah’ as I did my best to be around others. Physical symptoms: &gt;&gt; Fucking OUT at night. Sleeping like a rock. Intense, vivid dreams. Waking up in physical pain from the blackout and feeling like I was ‘still drunk from the night before’ &gt;&gt; Crushing physical fatigue &gt;&gt; Still feeling weird, dizzy, disconnected and disoriented. It’s like I could see life all around me, but wasn’t a part of it. I didn’t know if I ever could be again and it scared the shit out of me - Month One Clean: Back Into the Shit Storm The first month clean – even after tapering – was a major kick in the nuts. I thought I was about to peacefully walk off into sober bliss. Boy oh boy, was I wrong. All of the original withdrawal symptoms came back with a vengeance. &gt;&gt; Headaches, dizziness, blurred vision, tinnitus &gt;&gt; Intense physical fatigue (it felt like my body weighed 1,000 lbs.) &gt;&gt; The libido has left the building &gt;&gt; All day, every day depression – burnt out, low and sad (I would start crying throughout the day for seemingly no reason) &gt;&gt; Insane, vivid dreams (I’ve heard of others having intense nightmares for months after quitting, but mine were more of the anxious variety) &gt;&gt; A brain fog so thick it felt like I had been lobotomized. Total inability to focus Good times. - Month Two Clean: Going Through Changes It was around this time that every so often I’d notice the beauty of the trees and sky. However, I still wasn’t feeling anything in the joy department. It seemed the only thing that kinda, sorta helped was being around others. I was still blacking out at night and dreaming like a mother fucker. But these days, the dreams were more enjoyable and featured things like intimacy and love, which was a pleasant change. My body began to feel more well-rested, but I was still pretty messed up in the mornings and having trouble seeing. But despite being in pretty rough shape mentally, I began making some big lifestyle changes. We had found my wife a new pad and were both healing and letting go of the resentments we carried in the last part of our relationship. I also retired from a 20-year career as a professional musician which was a big move for me. I didn’t have a plan going forward, but needed to set that behind me and move on. I was feeling extremely lonely, and became aware that I had started abusing drugs to fill that void and feel ‘love.’ Seeing this, it became very important for me to sit with that loneliness and experience it without the escape of vice. On that front, I refrained from pursuing a relationship in any way. I knew I was not ready to bring what I wanted to the table and needed to continue to heal. I was thinking about sex constantly, but decided that was just another ‘hit’ which wouldn’t bring me what I truly wanted. So, I learned to set those thoughts and feelings aside, which was major. Instead, I began reconciling my past and the beliefs I had been carrying with me that led me down this path. I started making more of an effort to get out of the house and chose to apply whatever creative energy I could muster to my existing relationships – i.e. my family. It became my guiding star. - Month Three Clean: Aimlessness is a Vice At the start of the third month I noted that I was pretty stressed out, but feeling noticeably better than the prior months. My libido was starting to come and go with more regularity, which I saw as an improvement in my overall physical wellness. Sleep was inconsistent and some nights I’d black out for nine or ten hours and then lay awake all night on others. Once or twice I woke up in the middle of the night crying, which was something that had happened a handful of times over the past few years. Also (and this might be TMI), I started having wet dreams pretty frequently, sometimes without an erection, which was pretty damn uncomfortable. With the PAWS, there would be days where the withdrawals were pretty tough. I was still damn tired and having trouble seeing. On the harder days, my base desires went haywire looking for some kind of boost. I started slipping back into drinking tea and eating chocolate more excessively which increased the anxiety. I was also mindlessly eating all day. This was around the time that I started facing the many behaviors that I would run to as a distraction from remaining present with that anxiety. Along with all of the obvious ones, I also began to see excessive thinking, daydreaming, and even ‘studying’ as a form of escapism and procrastination. I began to view all thinking that didn’t move the needle on solving my problems in the real world as vice. When I caught myself drifting off (admittedly a small fraction of the time I’d do it) I’d redirect that awareness to my surroundings, the feeling of my body, or apply the energy to something around the house. I also started to paying attention to my stress responses (as a father, for example) and began to recognize that none of that reaction was happening outside of me. Instead, I worked to own the fact that my environment was simply revealing my inner weakness to me and did my best to take steps in a better direction. I also began rearranging little things about my lifestyle that I felt were isolating: driving, for instance, was something I did alone, so i started walking places. Noticing things in my language that pointed to self-centeredness, I made it a point to ask others what they would like to do. I kept putting myself out there socially and made some more connections with women. One to overthink social interactions in the past, I just focused my mind on the fun that was had and held good feelings for others in my heart. A few growing friendships gave me something to apply myself to creatively and I did my best to remain patient while continuing to work through this. - Month Four Clean: PAWS Back with A Vengeance The fourth month may have been the most discouraging in terms of the PAWS. A lot of the original ‘shell-shocked’ withdrawals came back which, as I mentioned, were almost certainly exacerbated by leaning into the stimulants. The most discouraging part was that, no matter what I tried, I couldn’t shake the brain fog. I was sleeping long nights, dreaming like a madman, and waking up scattered, dizzy, disoriented and disconnected. One night, I got up to take a piss and could barely stand I was so dizzy. I really wanted to relapse. After three months tapering down and over three months clean, it felt hopeless. For six months straight I felt like total trash and needed something to feel good. I just reminded myself of how miserable I was before and stayed the course. I was beginning to get pretty stressed out financially and was starting to run out of dough. At this point, I was still playing the trumpet for something to do, but decided I could no longer continue to do that healthfully and that it was also acting as a distraction from finding work and putting my life in order. Socially, I was still feeling pretty lonely and made a point to spend more time with my family. My wife and I were feeling a lot better around one another and I started spending more time at my in-laws place. It helped. I did my best to contribute to the hang, but wasn’t exactly the life of the party. - Month Five: Make the Iron Hot by Striking The fifth month was crazy. I was still pretty fucked up mentally, but the stress of having very little income was in high gear; We’re talking, like, diarrhea for weeks high gear. I began to make a serious effort to focus my mind despite the fog. Feeling I had a pretty good shot landing work as a copywriter, I put the pedal to the metal creating a portfolio. I was working 10-12 hour days finishing an online course for my music education business, while also studying and practicing copywriting. Things went really fast and within a few weeks I landed a couple of interviews. By the end of the month I landed a solid gig freelancing for a business-to-business marketing agency. I took solace in the fact that even though I still felt out of my mind, I was able to pull a career change out of my ass. I took it as ‘proof’ that things were working. With my social goals, I continued to find small opportunities to connect: walking more, saying hi to people on the street, shopping at neighborhood markets, etc. It made a big difference. I continued to place the possibility of any kind of romantic connection on the backburner and instead focused on my work. This daily routine also helped to organize the day: · &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Wake up, meditate, cold shower · &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Walk at least an hour (total) throughout the day - Month Six and Seven Clean: Still Searching for a Hit After all this time, my brain was going absolutely ape-shit looking for a hit. This mostly manifested as compulsive eating, which is something I still struggle with when feeling overwhelmed. I felt pretty shitty as a result. I also got into a funny habit of spending frivolously for a short while. Beginning to realize that consumption was taking a lot more than it was giving, I tried to be productive when I felt uneasy. Cleaning the house or doing some chore I had been putting off, getting a bit of work done – little things. It always feels a lot better than giving into some kind of compulsion. In terms of the withdrawal, caffeine was still an issue and I suffered those lows a bit. Plus, the brain fog remained. However, I made two notes that seem relevant: first, that I had ‘feelings of joy and contentment with my sons at the grocery store’; and second, that I went for a run. Compared to the nine months prior, that seemed pretty significant. This was also when I really started to unplug from the electric world and would just sit on the back porch at night watching the fireflies. The weather was warming up and my mind was starting to clear a bit (fucking finally!). I felt myself having ‘summer thoughts’ and was beginning to feel more love in my heart. Things were turning a corner. - Month Eight Clean: Life Starting to Get Fun Again Month eight was a major breakthrough. I began to feel more relaxed, even-keeled, and wasn’t dead tired by 7pm which was huge. In fact, this was the time that I related to a friend that I was ‘enjoying life the way I did when I was a kid.’ It was incredible. I became effortlessly social. I don’t know what changed. I just wanted to be around people and they started unloading into me. I learned a tremendous amount about the people around me very quickly. There were also some breakthroughs in my thinking such as: ‘I am not dependent.’ This was a huge realization for me. And what I mean by it is that I’m not dependent on a drug to ‘function normally.’ I was hardly functioning normally. Instead, I saw that after going through a few long-term withdrawals in the past, I was traumatized by the depression and scared of going back. Seeing this helped me hedge my caffeine consumption and go into the lows without fearing them. I also realized that: ‘I am not a loner.’ In the past, when I was feeling mentally unwell, I would run from interpersonal relationships. Over the years I had developed this kind of ‘lone wolf’ identity to protect myself from the social anxiety. However, feeling better, I realized that it simply wasn’t true. I have a family and tons of friends – I just hid from them now and again. I also wrote that: ‘I am ready to love someone. I am ready to be a better father and a best friend.’ What I meant by this was that I had healed enough to not need to be so self-protective. During the past year, I went through periods of being harshly judgmental toward myself and critical of my value in a partnership. After thinking on it for some time I determined that the best I had to give was my attention, acceptance and support. I felt ready to do that. I also cleaned up my diet (in a way that works for me) and turned 37. Month eight was a good month. - Month Nine Clean: At this point, I had a woman on my mind. I let myself dive into the deep end and took a spin through the emotional meat-grinder. I also may have gone temporarily insane. So, that was cool. - Month Ten Clean: More Rested At ten months I also noticed significant improvements. I began to sleep much more consistently and felt pretty much rested throughout the day. It took 13 months (including the taper) to get here. Incredible. - Month Eleven and Twelve: Finally Substance Free Just over a month before the end of the year I had my last bit of caffeine. As the pressure starting building up behind my eyes it didn’t bother me. Because I was making moves to be a healthier, happier version of myself. And that’s some true shit. I’m doing it. Right now. I’m caffeine free. I’m sitting here at the cafe and doing OK socially. - Takeaways and Tips I will say that a year later, the habit of getting high every night still feels very close. Like, yesterday close. And to this day, going to bed sober feels like a major accomplishment. If you’re a long time user – and, it seems, particularly if you started at a young age – the withdrawal can really suck. There’s no getting around it. You just have to slog on through. However, you will learn many valuable skills along the way. Personally, I learned that all of the shit in my head was just that: a bunch of shit in my head. It’s a tough lesson to learn that all that life you thought you were living was really just you sitting in a room alone, fucked up; And all the things you know, and think you can control, are not actually real. There’s also a lot to go through psychologically. Not only are you confronted with the underlying issues that you have been self-medicating into oblivion, you’re also going to realize some uncomfortable truths about yourself. But the thing is, letting go of addiction finally makes learning how to deal with those feelings and changing your character possible. On that front, accept yourself, learn from your mistakes, and do the best you can moving forward. Ask yourself what kind of person you want to be and create small behavioral changes that move you in that direction. Experience teaches the mind how to be. In time, your daily changes add up to a healthier identity. Another thing: when you notice patterns in your life that are self-destructive, examine your thoughts and challenge those beliefs. When I saw that my biggest problem was no longer getting stoned every day, but rather a lack of connection I found the ‘lone wolf’ thing. When I questioned my excessive caffeine drinking, I found that I thought of drugs as the solution to my problems, rather than the cause. Digging up these thoughts and exposing them to the light makes the first steps easier. Being able to lean on a support network during this time is huge. It might not be easy to make new friends at the moment, but if there’s someonethat will hang out with you and let you be brain-dead in their presence, that’s a win. Just making it out of the house to see and be seen became a great foundation for what came later. Walk, walk, walk. A lot of us feel lost during the detox. Developing your focus helps. Turn on a timer for 20 or 30 minutes and start cleaning the dirtiest part of your place. Guide your full effort to the task until the timer rings. You’ll build up some brain power and get a little boost from the productivity. Aim for an hour or so per day, total. In terms of the benefits: The daily feelings of depression have gone away, as has a chronic anxiety that I did not previously understand. (I used to be so paranoid about environmental toxins that I would avoid going downtown – I was convinced the cars were going to give me lung cancer. Before having children, I projected this anxiety on my relationships and was fearful of commitment). The other thing with living in a veritable hell-scape of your own making is that when you find your way out of that mess, regular life starts to seem pretty good (maybe so long as you remember how shitty things used to be). It’s a weird thing to have to learn to just be alive and happy. Of course, not being high isn’t a magic bullet and I have thought in the past that sobriety would be like the best of that life without the downside. Like, life would be as ‘high’ as a drug makes you feel. But the fact is that life is hard sometimes. Rejections, feelings of loneliness, occasional stress about the regular shit ... it’s all there and it comes back around. I still miss getting high. I do. But all-in-all life is much better without it. I romanticize being able to moderate, but that is not something to even consider anytime soon. But being able to bring yourself fully to those ups and downs is a hell of a lot better than running from them and continuing to be weighed down by [a heavy blanket] and never improving the things that are [making your miserable]. Connection ... you start to feel good and it makes it easier for you to do good. You can be there for others. Life is good and by being there for others it sure gets a heck of a lot more fulfilling. I’m a big fan of the idea that maintaining your highest level of physical and mental health is the ultimate gift for those around you. Best of luck to you on your journey. If you need someone to talk to, feel free to shoot me a message. We’re all in this together and wherever you find yourself, someone else has been there done that and made it through to tell the tale. You got this. Random Stuff Unrelated Education is the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your temper or your self-confidence. Strength is where we help one another to become the best versions of ourselves. Be like a rock in the storm. How many things have to happen to you before something occurs to you? It is better to light one small candle than to curse the darkness. Worry not thatr no one knows of you; seek to be worth knowing Think no vice so small that you may commit it, and no virtue so small that you may overlook it. Even though we know so little, we don’t realize it, because we tell ourselves a coherent story about what’s going on based on the little we do know. Hindsight gives us the illusion that the world is understandable. ‘Doing nothing for a time is better than doing something stupid in the moment.’ ‘we experience a powerful reluctance to narrow our options – even at the expense of good opportunity.’ Most people, when confronted with something they don’t understand do not realize they don’t understand it because they’re able to come up with an explanation that makes sense based on their own unique perspectives in the world, however limited those experiences are. If we believe that we are unique, complex, different, with our own story, challenges, and struggles, how is it fair to assume that another person doesn’t share the same level of uniqueness and complexity, with their own story, challenge and struggles? Letting go of the desire to be understood – p.22 of so you want to talk about race Don’t worry about what you have to offer. What you have to offer is who you are. That’s why it’s so important to continue to work on yourself. ‘the afternoon knows what the morning never suspected’ https://manmeetskeyboard.com/91_days_weed_free Mon, 27 Jun 2022 16:46:29 +0000 manmeetskeyboard https://manmeetskeyboard.com/91_days_weed_free 91 Days Weed Free Hello my brothers, sisters, and kin of the r/leaves community, Today I have been weed-free for 91 days and wanted to share a bit about what this transition has been like. The reasons are to both help some of you along and also as a form of self-expression, I guess. Of the first two months, all I can say is that it sucked. If you have recently quit and feel awful in any way - it's the weed. I felt extraordinary physical fatigue. I thought my brain was broken. I could not think or concentrate. I tried meditating, my mind was soup. Basically terrible on all accounts. Granted, there were a few days here and there when the sky was beautiful, the trees were rustling and reminding me that life is good, and I even had the occasional moment of happiness; you know, the kind of happiness where you're just happy to be alive. Because life is the reward. And it's suddenly obvious. But those days would come and go. They'd be buried beneath a hurricane of recurring symptoms that came back with a vengeance. Just as bad as it had ever been. It felt like it would never end. I didn't know what to do, and started journaling about how I was feeling each day – not thinking that it would help, but as a record. Then, one day, I realized I felt pretty good. Not perfect, but a lot better. I went back to the journal. Only two weeks prior I had written about how life was essentially over for me. I was broken. I had been walking an endless journey of pain and misery and sleepless nights and accepting that being alive was just going to suck from now on. Those days felt so distant to me as I read back. It was like another life. But, the calendar showed 14 days. Keep going. The thing that is the most incredible to me about this time is the extraordinary amount that has changed in my life. I don't know what it looks like on the outside – and I'm sure it's not much – but the transformation that has happened inside of me is bringing me to tears as I write this. I'm not perfect, and neither are you. I spent 20 years hiding from a pain deep inside of me. I thought I was 'cerebral.' I was lonely. And it hurt real bad. I have been sober now for three months. I am still aware of a certain cognitive fatigue that I carry. I think that will improve, as time has shown – slowly. But, despite this fatigue, I can think again. I'm organized. I'm creating. I’m productive as fuck. I write for hours and hours a day and teach and express myself through work and a slowly growing social network. I have been pursuing a new career in a field that I feel my talents are suited to. I have a family that I love, and we have created a different structure for our life together that works better for all of us. I set out on a thirty-day tolerance break. But when I quit, I felt so fucked up, I knew what I had to do. And for the first time in my life I feel like I am becoming the man I have always wanted to be: someone of temperance, repose, kindness, love and putting others first. I have a lot of work to do, but removing the biggest thorn has been a miracle; it makes the next steps seem doable as I learn to compassionately understand my struggles. One tip for those of you who are having a tough time: I found that connections with others helped to alleviate the pain of the withdrawals. I’ve occasionally been something of a loner, and maybe some of you are too. If so, make an effort. Rejection sucks – and I've had my fair share of that recently – but if you are vulnerable with the people around you, you will have more love in your life and that shit heals you. If you're struggling, you are not alone. Keep marching forward. And one day, you're going to feel pretty fucking good. - Originally posted in r/leaves 25 November 2021 https://manmeetskeyboard.com/when-you-feel-judged Thu, 23 Jun 2022 18:43:16 +0000 manmeetskeyboard https://manmeetskeyboard.com/when-you-feel-judged What To Do When You Feel Judged If you have ever felt harshly or unfairly judged by someone close to you, you know that it can be absolutely heartbreaking. In effect, someone is casting the judgment on you that ‘you are unacceptable’ feels unfair. It can be incredibly damaging. And few things scar interpersonal relationships and intimacy quite like this judgment. When you let someone into your heart, you desire to be accepted and understood. You want to be loved for who you are. Unfortunately, this vulnerability also leaves you open to pain. And, from time to time, you may find yourself hurt by those closest to you. However, if you are keen to make the most of these painful moments they do present an opportunity for growth. The catch? You must be willing to do the uncomfortable: to accept these criticisms, look within yourself, and take responsibility for the quality of your character. This is not always easy. It requires courage. You must be kind to yourself. You may experience intense feelings of shame and guilt. You may be overcome by sadness and rage. But, as gut-wrenching as it may be, allowing these feelings to course through you without the escape of repression and vice will leave you ___ something loving. Begin by asking yourself if there is validity to these claims. There may be – and usually is. But remember, these distasteful characteristics are not who you are. Rather, like your more-positive qualities, they are simply the [bearings] of seeds sown in the heart and mind long ago. Recognizing this empowers you. It means that you can learn from circumstance and develop your character. It also means that others, like you, are to varying degrees, acting and reacting to _ . So when you find yourself in the throes of unfavorable circumstance, ask yourself ‘what do I think that creates this?’ ‘What thoughts lead to this unpleasantness?’ Ask yourself both silently and aloud, with no expectation of an answer. Then, after a brief pause, go about your business. When something bubbles up, view that thought and its manifestations in your behavior as a weed. Your job is to pull the weed and sow a new thought in its place. If you would like to be less selfish, find ways that selfishness manifests in your life. Are you selfish with your time? Your money? Do you require more than you give in your relationships? Are you putting your emotional needs before others? Accept what you find and ask yourself how you can begin to think of and put others first. Start with the people closest to you, as they are often the most difficult to change your behavior toward. ...... and also ... something about the web ..... By assuming responsibility for your thoughts and actions, you develop self-confidence. Doing so paves the way to greater compassion and understanding of others, as you begin to recognize that their behavior is also the natural outgrowth of the thoughts they carry. This is most important to remember when someone hurts us. Each of us has pain that was given to us – and we want to protect ourselves. The problem is that when we internalize that fear and react in ways to something we first experienced long ago, we can lash out in stress and drive people away. If you are on the receiving end of this, remain compassionate. If you’re the one slinging bullshit, be kind to yourself. You are valid, just like everyone else. You will not always be accepted and that’s OK. But, if you are willing to own your shit, do your best to imporove, and move forward with love in your heart you’ll be alright. It might not be easy, but what the hell else are you going to do? - https://manmeetskeyboard.com/commitment_and_consistency Fri, 08 Jul 2022 12:22:13 +0000 manmeetskeyboard https://manmeetskeyboard.com/commitment_and_consistency The Inner Guidance of Commitment, Consistency, and the Self-Image Howdy reader, I'm sitting here at the Prince St Cafe in downtown Lancaster City, PA putting the final touches on this article and wanted to reach out. I've got myself a seat tucked away in the back corner of the room (adjacent to the front entrance) with a speaker mounted just above my head pumping out some sweet jams. Business seems pretty slow - just a few folks having dinner. It'd be great to see you here sometime. Now, the reason I'm writing you is to share some interesting tidbits from a recent reread of Robert Cialdini's Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion. It's one of those books that pops up on a lot of recommended reading lists and something I first discovered back in graduate school. The subject matter outlines a handful of innate psychological tendencies which are often leveraged to make a buck or coax compliance in one way or another. While the entire book is damned interesting (and highly recommended if you're into that sort of thing), this paper focuses on some of the information from a chapter dealing with a subject I find endlessly fascinating: the self-image, and in particular, how your perceived sense of self directs your thoughts, actions, and what you ultimately get out of life. This concept of the self-image shaping your reality is something that has been written on many times and in many ways. And as you explore Cialdini's angle, I encourage you to search for evidence of this force playing out in your own life. In doing so, it’s assured you’ll discover new and creative ways to improve your lot, help others, and ultimately wield that power for good. Thank you for your attention, enjoy the read, and hold onto your butts. James Blackwell [Wednesday, 18:08, 27 July 2022] Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion The big idea behind Cialdini's Influence is that humans have evolved a series of underlying social programs which help us work together and survive as a species. These programs are kind of like the unspoken 'rules' of being human – follow the rules and you'll do pretty good. Fortunately, following the rules is easy; they're hardwired into your very existence. And handed down through eons of natural selection, they hum along below the surface making it so that – generally speaking – you can live your life without a lick of thought as to what you're doing or why you're doing it. So, I guess what I'm trying to say is ... Can I get a 'Hell yeah!' Now, it's just the automatic nature of your neural programming that makes it both so effective and also very difficult to overcome. While this is mostly a good thing (it’s helped us navigate and survive the perils of life together as a species†) it does present some problems: most notably that you're vulnerable to making mistakes and being manipulated by others. According to Cialdini, there are six main psychological programs that, when leveraged, are extremely effective at getting us to do all sorts of crap we might not otherwise consider: reciprocity (the tendency/need to return favors and concessions) commitment and consistency (acting in accordance with your past) social proof (doing things you see other people doing) authority (trusting authority figures ... and people dressed like them‡) liking (we are more easily persuaded by those we like) and scarcity (if it's limited, we want it now§) ------ † And look at how far we've come. In the old days, our ancestors (tired from the week's hunting and gathering) spent Saturday night scratching stick figures into cave walls. These days, thanks to the right people breeding, we can chill on the couch with our bestie, mug of sangria in hand, and judge the shit out of the women on 'The Bachelor' – all well fed and content¥. ‡ This one time, at the GRAMMY Awards (*ahem*), my buddy (tux-donned and standing handsomely upright in the aisle) was thought to be an usher. Someone came over, asked him where their seat was, and handed him a wad of cash. Then, another person did the same – and then another. Between his authoritative deportment and the lemming effect, he must have made, like, ten bucks or something. § Just the other day I got an email from a tea supplier alerting me that a high-grade seasonal tea was temporarily back in stock until sold out (real primo shit). I signed up to be notified the year before. You bet your ass I dropped $50 on the spot. (And now that I think about it, I should probably order some more before they run out. Here – hold my tea.) ¥ It's toxic as hell. Maintaining a Consistent Image for a Better Dating Life Cialdini's angle on the self-image is that we have evolved a set of internal buffers that keep our behavior inline with our past sense of self. This seems to have both social and individual advantages. From a social standpoint, consistency in what you say and do makes you easier to get along with. When you're consistent, you seem kind of smart, right? You're dependable. Stable. Trustworthy. People know what they're getting and it makes you a little easier to hang out with†. Inconsistency, on the other hand, can be somewhat disconcerting. Say you meet someone and they're going on and on about how much they love animals: 'They're so cute. And fuzzy. I love them SO MUCH and would never do anything to hurt them. THEY'RE ADORBS!' Then, they turn around and bite their pet gerbil's head off. WTF?! You might start to think that person is ... seriously confused. Definitely a little scary. And I don't think anyone would blame you for not wanting to hang out with them anymore. Okay, okay. Psychotic exaggerations aside, flaky, indecisive, two-faced, and wishy-washy behavior isn't generally considered attractive. It seems people like a tad more predictability within their group of friends‡. And besides, nobody wants to look foolish by later changing their mind. ------ † But just a little. ‡ Incidentally, this may be the hardest thing about hanging out with young children. You never know what those little whackos are going to do. Consistent Behavior Helps You Make it Out the Front Door, Too Along with making you more popular amongst your peers, behaving consistently with your past actions also makes life a lot easier – mainly by eliminating the need to think†. Without this inner compass, you'd have to grind your gears considering ... well, everything. Can you imagine that? A detailed, multi model decision making process (we're talking risk analysis, pros and cons lists, the whole shebang) for everything from which shoe to put on first to whether or not it's time to rewatch Downton Abbey ... (again). So, instead of immobilizing yourself psychoanalyzing every little interaction with the outside world‡, your established experience guides you through the waters of daily living. That way, you can just sit back, relax, and do your thang§. ------ † Cause, like, thinking is hard, ya know? ‡ Save that shit for your therapist, would ya? § Like Bon Jovi said, 'Like Frankie said, "I did it my way."' Studies Show: A Commitment to Your Past May Prevent Growing Pains Along with making life a heck of a lot simpler (and more fun), following the blind guidance of your inner self also acts as a kind of self-protective defense mechanism against some very troubling realizations - things like, oh, I don't know, the fact that you might be wrong. On that front, Cialdini relates an experience he and a colleague shared while attending an introductory Transcendental Meditation seminar aimed at selling tickets to a later workshop retreat. His colleague, apparently unable to handle what he was hearing, calmly raised his hand and (when called upon) proceeded to rip the presenters' sales pitch a logical new one. Can you say ... Awkward? However, after this uncomfortable display, something strange happened: the customers in attendance became more eager to make a down payment. When later asked why, a few of those attendees shared that the man's arguments were making them uneasy. They had come to the seminar with problems that needed solutions. And they simply could not risk having their minds changed (Cialdini 61-63). Think about that for a second. If even a whiff of plain-old doubt is enough to get folks to cough up the dosh for a program they have a growing suspicion is a total load, imagine the lengths they'll go to avoid the psychological stress having their entire identity brought into question. Referred to as cognitive dissonance, this wholly unpleasant state is the one you experience when your actions, beliefs, feelings and values clash with new and contradictory information. Suddenly, you don't know who you are or what you know. It's uncomfortable as hell and the kind of thing you'll want to resolve ASAP. <img width="1280" height="720" width_o="1280" height_o="720" data-src="https://freight.cargo.site/t/original/i/0c3baecc66eb5ab0e0edf33e7d083ad3463fdd752aa176d38bd5aaa9f9720ce9/farley.jpg" data-mid="148953877" border="0" data-scale="91" src="https://freight.cargo.site/w/1000/i/0c3baecc66eb5ab0e0edf33e7d083ad3463fdd752aa176d38bd5aaa9f9720ce9/farley.jpg" /> In fact, cognitive dissonance can be so disconcerting, humans mostly just avoid it altogether. And considering that 'what you think you know' is barely a drop in the ocean of existence, you simply can't let yourself go there. Not all the time, anyways. You'd lose your shit. However, you're smart. And as such, there will be times when you allow yourself to be challenged. But when you do – be careful. Because cognitive dissonance is like a ticking time bomb in your brain – and one that needs to be diffused as quickly as possible if you're interested in returning to a state of ignorant bliss. The good news is that the human mind comes equipped with a whole arsenal of self-serving biases for doing just that†. And when confronted with cognitive dissonance, you basically have two options: admit ignorance and modify your beliefs until the world is right again – or – enlist the help of the confirmation bias, seek further self-supporting evidence, straight-up avoid conflicting information at all costs, and in the process bury your doubts under a veritable mountain of post-rationalizations that are consistent with your old beliefs. Then, you're right back on track thinking you're better and smarter than you really are and can sleep like a baby again‡. ------ † If you're looking for something to do on a lazy Sunday afternoon, check out Wikipedia's list of cognitive biases. Not so smart now, huh James§? ‡ A baby sheep. § Wait, what? The Potential Side Effects of Consistency May Include ... Now, while an addiction to your past sense of self does have its merits - it helps others feel comfortable around you while also protecting you from the disturbing realizations that may come with deep self-reflection – you do lose some flexibility. And at times, this may cost you. For example, narrow-minded decision making may be one such cost†. The potential for long-term self-destructive behavior and lingering effects of traumatic experience are others. Repeating your past may also lead to occasional regret, leaving you to walk the lonely road of disappointment that comes from missing out on something (or someone) truly special‡. Plus, it makes you exploitable. ------ † This, in my small and feeble mind, seems to be a problem with stoutly identifying as any kind of -ist, -an, -at, or –ian (looking at you, librarians). ‡ Like the woman I bumped into who had dumped me a few months prior. I don't know how she can live with that. Oh, and after I offered up some silly banter (all in good jest, of course) she replied by saying, 'see, this is why we didn't work out§.' § Quoth the raven, 'Self-protective post-rationalization!' Environment: The Looking Glass of the Self-Image OK my friend, with the evolutionary perspective of the self-image behind you (along with a few of its pros and cons), you're now getting into the meat and potatoes of this whole persuasion bit. So pay attention, because you're about to learn how to avoid getting sucked into some bullshit you don't really want to do. The first step is realizing that you are – at least in part – mindlessly floating through life along the lazy river of your previous self-image. And as such, you will naturally behave in ways that support that identity. Therefore, if you learn to mold the self-image, you can change the behaviors that effortlessly flow from that internal program. But first, what is the self-image? And for that matter ... Who are we? Look, Jackie Chan, I'm gonna be real with you, bro – I don't know what the self-image is. To me it just kind of seems like who you think you are. Or some unknowable cosmic force that directs your entire experience of consciousness. And if you start thinking about it too much, the shit gets deep real quick. However, the good news for you, fair reader, is that there are far more practical descriptions to be found on the internet. And to share one such source, here's how Wikipedia describes the self-image in its opening statement on the subject (yeah, we're going there): 'Self-image is the mental picture, generally of a kind that is quite resistant to change, that depicts not only details that are potentially available to an objective investigation by others (height, weight, hair color, etc.), but also items that have been learned by persons about themselves, either from personal experiences or by internalizing the judgments of others.' Now, while Wikipedia basically nailed it with a nuts-and-bolts description of the self-image, here's a slightly more poetic take shared from one of my personal favorites, James Allen's 1903 publication As A Man Thinketh (and please pardon all the 'man' business): 'THE aphorism, "As a man thinketh in his heart so is he," not only embraces the whole of a man's being, but is so comprehensive as to reach out to every condition and circumstance of his life. A man is literally what he thinks,&nbsp;his character being the complete sum of all his thoughts.' Allen goes on further to say that: 'Thought and character are one, and as character can only manifest and discover itself through environment and circumstance, the outer conditions of a man's life will always be found to be harmoniously related to his inner state ...... The outer world of circumstance shapes itself to the inner world of thought, and both pleasant and unpleasant external conditions are factors, which make for the ultimate good of the individual. As the reaper of his own harvest, man learns both by suffering and bliss.' What Mr. Allen and the anonymous editors of Wikipedia are saying is that the self-image is how you think. It's your psychology. You then act in accordance with that psychology in the things you say and do. And as you act, your environment and circumstances shape to those actions, reflecting that character back to you. This creates a kind of feedback loop that then further influences your psychology and strengthens the commitment to that existing sense of self. Since it is so difficult to objectively view yourself, you gain a more realistic sense of who you are by looking to the things you do and the responses you get from your environment†. However, this is a double-edged sword. Because as that external feedback reinforces your identity, the inner pull for consistency drives you to act in accordance with not only your past actions, but also the opinions that others hold of you. For example, studies show that if someone hears they are considered more charitable, they will give away more of their money over their lifetime (Cialdini 77). Likewise, the well-researched 'Pygmalion Effect' demonstrates that a teacher's expectations of a student have a stark effect on that student's future academic success – even if those expectations were fed to them by a third party and completely at random1. Ultimately, it seems to boil down to the fact that we pick up on the subtleties of what we're getting from the world, internalize that feedback, behave accordingly, and then further reinforce those character traits as a part of the way that we see ourselves. <img width="598" height="339" width_o="598" height_o="339" data-src="https://freight.cargo.site/t/original/i/1b166af79c80e22f3abd7eb9e081ca5897965f33ad2e937a60720538fd5a2efe/self_image_loop.jpg" data-mid="148955199" border="0" data-scale="81" src="https://freight.cargo.site/w/598/i/1b166af79c80e22f3abd7eb9e081ca5897965f33ad2e937a60720538fd5a2efe/self_image_loop.jpg" /> (Self-image &gt; actions &gt; self-image &gt; other's perceptions &gt; self-image ...) ------ † Apparently, if you and five of your closest family/friends write descriptions of you, theirs will all be very similar. Yours, however, may be way off base. Who's right? Wrap your mind around that for a second. Compliance Tactics That Leverage the Inner Drive for Consistency Since to a large degree you look to your actions and environment to learn about yourself, the key to molding a self-image is doing things. Therefore, in the world of influence, it's the persuader's gig to get you to commit to some action or decision that ultimately leads to compliance. The key to successfully pulling this off is baby steps. And if the initial concession is small enough to agree to (and aligned with the persuader's end goal), you'll be more willing to comply with their later requests not because they want you to, but because you want to†. With that in mind, check out the compliance tactics listed below. Notice that each starts with a small personal commitment. Then, the desire to behave consistently with that image or stance takes care of the business end of the deal‡. ------ † Devious! ‡ I believe this is called 'putting your money where your mouth is.' Hand-Written and Verbal Commitments: Asking someone to keep an eye on your belongings while you step away is enough inspire a veritable 'citizens-arrest' vigilantism in your fellow human. When asked to keep an eye out, nineteen out of twenty onlookers chased down a researcher posing as a thief who ran by and snatched the personal affects they were asked to watch. Of twenty other individuals not asked to monitor the belongings, only four were willing to put themselves in potential harm's way (Cialdini 59-60). A charity collection agency was able to increase the number of door-to-door collection volunteers by 700% simply by visiting the residents a few day prior and asking them to predict what they would say if asked to do that very thing (Cialdini 67-68)†. By being asked 'how are you doing/feeling' at the start of a conversation (to which most people will reply with some form of 'good'), individuals became much more willing to donate to a charitable cause or entertain a salesperson directly afterward. It appears that after admitting to their favored circumstances, those questioned didn't want to look like a bunch of selfish assholes (Cialdini 68-69)‡. When California residents were asked to put a huge (and somewhat hideous) billboard in their front lawns warning against the dangers of unsafe driving, 83% declined. However, in another test, if the residents had agreed to display a 3-inch card with the same message a few weeks prior, a full 76% later agreed to the billboard (Cialdini 72-73). Continued from above, simply getting another group to sign a petition for a seemingly unrelated cause – state beautification – raised compliance for the later billboard request to approximately 50%. The theory is that these individuals now saw themselves as being 'civic-minded' and had a reputation to uphold (Cialdini 73-74)§. From my own experience volunteering for a local composting co-op, I was having little success getting passersby to take an interest in the co-op's services. Some even replied with, 'I compost at home' as they briskly moved on by. However, once I started asking people if they were 'interested in composting' things changed. If the word 'yes' popped out of their mouth, they'd stay and chat for awhile, sign up for the email list, and even seemed excited to spread the word. Internal Decisions/Commitments: Called 'throwing the low-ball,' a prospect is offered an appealing deal, say, $400 bucks off the price of a car. Thinking that sounds pretty good, the would-be buyer starts to convince themselves of the merits of the vehicle: 'Hey, Ma! It's got air conditioning and everything!' Unfortunately, an error is later discovered making the $400 discount impossible (oops). But not to worry, because by this point the buyer has thoroughly convinced themselves to purchase the car. And besides, what's another $400 bucks, anyways? (Cialdini 98-99) Foot-in-the-Door Technique: If you can get someone to commit to your cheapest product or service, they begin to 'see themselves' as your customer. And that's good (Cialdini 71-72). ------ † Next time you need to move, maybe have someone ask your friends to ‘predict what they would say if another friend asked them to move.' Sneaky! (This might also work for reconnecting with past lovers.) ‡ Or avaricious misers hoarding all of their money for limited edition first-of-season green teas. § To themselves, it seems. The Self-Centered Beginnings of Positive Communal Change Now that you're aware of the power of the self-image and how it can be molded for the purposes of compliance, it's time to share with you my favorite case study from Influence – one where researchers were looking for ways to reduce energy consumption amongst a selected group of Iowa residents. To do this, the experimenters did not preach environmental concerns or the horrors of international war. They didn't even bring up the fact that the residents would be saving money. Instead, they told them that if they could cut their energy consumption over the next thirty days, they'd feature them in the local newspaper†. The study first took place during the winter months when the selected residents used natural gas to heat their homes. By the next billing period, the researches were pleased to find that that these fine folks had reduced their fuel consumption by an average of 12.2%. However, there was also some bad news. It was no longer possible to advertise their environmentally-conscious behavior in the local paper (sorry, folks). But that was only the beginning. The researchers were also curious to see what would happen once the residents' shot at the limelight had been removed. So, a month later, they checked back and discovered something extraordinary: the following month these people had saved even more&nbsp;gas – a full 15.5% reduction from original levels. The experiment was later repeated during the summer months when residents cooled their homes with electric air conditioning. After the first month (and promise of publicity), the selected residents used an average of 27.8% less electricity than comparable homes in the area. The following month (once their newspaper dreams had been crushed), that number increased to a whopping 41.6% reduction. In explaining these findings, it's possible that over the course of those initial thirty days these fine Iowans became the kind of people that conserve energy. Perhaps they even began to see themselves as being more ecologically-minded and globally responsible. Plus, they were saving a few bucks along the way. It probably felt good, ya know? But what's even more interesting to consider is Cialdini's theory: that the original social incentive may have been the only thing holding the Iowans back from knowing that they were doing it for all the right reasons. And with that social validation removed, they were free to fully embrace and embody their new conservationist identity. ------ † No judgment here. I once donated to a university radio station because they were announcing the names of donors all afternoon on the air. When I called in to give them my credit-card information, the woman on the line asked if I wanted my name announced on the radio. My reply? 'Yes. Please.' How You Can Save the World I think this case study points out something important to consider for those of you interested in social change: when it comes to shifting the collective consciousness, a person's original motivations may be irrelevant. For starters, the basic compliance is what creates the initial positive shift. And beyond that, it's the 'going through with it' that ultimately leads to the evolution of the self and collective identity. With that in mind, why not appeal to people's deeper motivations when working to make the world a better place? (Things like wanting to look good, getting laid, feeling worthy of love, and fitting in.) Who cares if it's shameless self-promotion that gets the ball rolling on a self-image that cares about the environment? Especially when those initial motivations can eventually fade away as a new identity forms. In your own life, continue to explore yourself and the patterns that play out while you go about your business. When you find something that holds you back, challenge those beliefs and create small behavioral changes that point you in a better direction. Make it something that you can commit to and follow through with over time. Then, the inner drive for remaining consistent with that budding self-image will handle the rest. Likewise, when working to heal your community, find playful motivations that leverage our silly human ways. Get people to act. Bring them along for the fun. See them as good and they will do good. Validate the behaviors you appreciate in them and before you know it, we'll all be working to help one another just because that's the kind of cats we are. With that, my friend, I will say farewell. Thank you for reading and know that I appreciate you. In a quiet moment, consider the self-image and what that means to you. I believe that by seeking this guiding force you will discover a store of power within you that you may use to heal, grow, and maybe even mold a few self-images for the better along the way†. Your man behind the keyboard, James ------ † And oh yeah, you probably shouldn't sign anything (ever), believe everything a car salesperson says, or agree to something that you don't want to do just because you're feeling 'pretty good' that day. References Cialdini, Robert. Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion. New York: Quill, 1993. 1. Rosenthal, R, and L. Jacobsen. Pygmalion in the classroom: teacher expectation and pupils' intellectual development. New York: Holt, Rinehart and Winston, 1968. Written for and published on ManMeetsKeyboard 27 July 2022 https://manmeetskeyboard.com/contact Tue, 28 Jun 2022 10:48:38 +0000 manmeetskeyboard https://manmeetskeyboard.com/contact Like what you’re reading? Drop a line. blackwelldirect@gmail.com 979.373.8495